Scenario 1:
There are a group of us ladies (mostly from the church) gathering at a restaurant for breakfast. The place is filling up fast so a friend and I offer to move to the end of the table to share a seat in order to make room for a new comer and her 83 year old mother. The new comer responds: "Sure! You two skinny-minnies can fit on the end! Oh wait... I guess you [finger pointing at me] aren't a skinny minnie anymore though, are ya!?!?"
Umm... I guess not...
Scenario 2:
After the lady's breakfast I go to a friends' home where the young adults/youth are having a get together. The place is packed. I get a bit anxious when I have to enter a room full of people on my own at the best of times... But then I hear Tom's voice coming from the kitchen. He's talking about me... "... Yeah, Candice is doing really well and she looks amazing. She should be here soon..." Awww! Refill on the self-confidence! So I take a deep breath and enter the kitchen. There's about 30 people in there, and the hostess (who has had 3 kids herself) blurts out, over top of all conversation happening "There's Candice!! WOW, so that's how you'd look if you were FAT!!!"
Tell me, dear bloggers, what's the correct answer to that?
Scenario 3:
We're at a Christmas party pot-luck. There's about 100 people there. Tom and I are sitting at a table talking to a young couple we just met. Yay for potential friends! A gentleman we know (who's wife has had 4 kids) walks up to the table and upon greeting me, says "You make me feel thin!!" (Sidenote: This man is anything but thin.)
Totally taken aback (and embarrassed in front of our new friends) I needed to clarify before I got offended, "You mean, because I'm pregnant?"
Realizing this is not a good situation, Tom jumps in" "No, no, Candice, he was talking about me!"
The man, completely oblivious to the fact Tom just offered him an out to his off-colour remark, responds "No! I meant her [pointing directly at me]!"
Scenario 4:
Last night I was discussing these comments to a few of my more 'philosophical' friends. You know, ones that you'd expect to laugh along with you at the absurdity of the comments, and help identify the causes these social behaviours at a deeper level. Right after ending my rant of how these types of comments are not funny (in the same way) to a pregnant woman, how they are a blow to the self-esteem, and, considering you would never say such things towards a non-pregnant adult actually boarder on verbal abuse (in my opinion) because they leave a woman wounded and defenseless (because if she were to snap back and defend herself and her ever-growing and chaning body due to the NEW LIFE GROWING INSIDE her, she would be labled "hormonal")... Where was I? Oh right, so I just finish this rant with a "... And because there's so many changes happening in her body, the woman is barely comfortable in her own skin, let alone take blows from friends... So comments like these make you want to go home and cry."
And what does my most philosophical, (usually) sensitive friend say? "No, those are the HORMONES doing that!!" And the room bursts out laughing.
I would love to continue this rant, underlining the absurdity and double-standards that pregnant women face: Needing to gracefully accept gaining weight and becoming larger (in a society that shuns such body changes) to adapt and foster the human being developing inside her (while people critique her every move as to whether or not it's harmful to the fetus). To keep smiling and 'glowing' while people take great joy in teasing you with the horrors of labour, delivery, and parenthood ("... But I guess I shouldn't say things like that to you, you may regret getting pregnant! Blahhaaha!) To answer people's questions honestly about what I'm feeling, just to hear "Oh, just wait until..." Like the stage I'm at isn't 'there' yet. Like parenting teenagers is when it really starts...
Yes, I would love to continue that rant (because, oh boy, I've got more where that came from!) but instead I want to be a little more constructive. I'm wondering...
1) Could this be a cultural thing? In Costa Rica I was told to turn around so they could see my back end and make comments regarding it's plumpness. I wrote it off as cultural and was able to laugh it off. That would be great if this were the case here, too. Could it be that Quebec's social behaviours towards pregnant women are different than where I grew up, explaining why I feel this is unacceptable yet domestics don't seem to feel the same way? PLEASE, let me know what your experiences were so we can compare notes!
2) Am I over reacting (is it hormonal?) Would you be offended? Tom assures me that no, I'm not being overly sensitive, but rather some people are rude and some comments are hurtful. Period.
3) What would be a constructive way to deal with comments like these? Just to note, my offense stems from the fact that people are comfortable (and think it's acceptable) to slam me with body image comments, and not that I feel grossly large (but I'm willing to bet that after enough comments my brain will start to think they are right... And I don't want to buy into that!).
Wow, that was long!
Happy Monday!!
7 comments:
This was one of the things I hated about being pregnant. People aren't that nice. When you're not pregnant it's considered rude to make comments about people's bodies, weight, size in general, and yet once you're pregnant it's somehow okay to blurt out anything stupid that crosses your mind about a pregnant woman, her body, her emotional state, etc. Not to mention putting hands all over you. That part is great too. Especially when it's people who don't particularly like you.
Sometimes I felt like asking someone "Seriously? How should I respond to that right now so that I'm not the one being offensive?"
There's no winning.
awww. C.... i feel for you - big cyber*hug*....I have heard alot of my girlfriends go through the same thing, but the scenarios you wrote are kind of jaw-dropping...!
I always ask now if i can touch someone's belly, or just keep it to myself until they say 'see! look!'.....but i guess people think it's 'funny' to make comments on someone who is generally quite skinny with a temporary body shape change- but i can imagine it's anything BUT funny.
I'm sure you can come up with lots of retorts after the fact, but i'll bet those same irritating commenters would respond with a "ooooh, pregnant and hormonal woman! watch out!" kind of aggravating response if you were able to give the response you wanted. Kudos to your husband for trying to deflect all those comments.
Just like with all major/life altering/life bringing changes the added hormones probably dont help with the stress of hearing that stuff, but it's not 100% all that i'm sure. You have hit the nail on the head - you are growing a new life inside you, your body is going through so many changes, and many of the physical changes are right out there so people feel they can comment on everything they see.
you could always ay something like "i'm eating for two, how about you?!?" ...but of course, that's not nice either - it's just the tart thing i would want to say! ;) rude comments are meant to zing and get a laugh usually at someone's expense and maybe that gentleman felt this was his 'chance' to make a fat-joke. as for the hormonal comments, yes, that plays a part i'm sure in making things feel worse/better than they really are, but the comments are rude all the same.
in summary:
You are NOT FAT. (and i havent even seen you!) you are going to be/ and ARE a beautiful mama! how INCREDIBLY COOL is that!?!
hmmm, that seems like a lot of scenarios you've had to endure. I don't recall that being a problem for me, I know my memory isn't great, but I'm sure I would remember if I was really offended. There might have been one or two, but none as serious as those offences. Maybe it is a "Quebec" thing, I don't want to say "french", b/c you said you live in more of an anglophone area, right? Weird. Would it be bad to start telling those people - that you find image comments to pregnant women in general offensive? I mean, they've already offended you, maybe they should know that.
OR if you are able to come out of the stunned state in time, you could say "Actually, its by God's grace and in His perfect timing that this baby has been given to us. Also what is quite astounding is how God has been providing for us abundantly and subsequently this baby has adequate nutrition to grow and develop well. Sadly many women don't have adequate nutrition and their fetuses are malnourished as well" ---something like that :)
Candice - you are very beautiful, pre-pregnancy, in pregnancy and I wouldn't even question post pregnancy! Keep these good thoughts from your friends at the forefront of your mind :)
I didn't get a whole lot of comments when pregnant, but maybe because I was bigger before. So they know better than to go there.
I remember my uncle making a comment about my stomach, when largely pregnant and I recall saying something to the effect of "and when are you due?" and rubbing his round middle-aged belly. And then I felt bad right away.
I think because you're usually thin, people think they can make the comment and it won't offend you. But it gets old. Fast.
I think Sonya's right - people probably assume that because you were fairly thin before that you have absolutely no issues with self-consciousness and it's okay to give you the once over and then tease you about your new shape.
That's silly of course.
It's still rude, and we all have some sort of self-consciousness, and even if we don't, it's still kind of hard to watch our bodies change so rapidly, and know that it's so apparent to everybody.
I used the old "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?" thing a few times when people would make their "hilarious" fat-jokes. It wasn't nice either, but it usually put an end to that bit of conversation.
how rude! I totally feel for you. I gained 68 pounds with my first pregnancy and my mom's side of the family is not exactly tactful at the best of times and so it really shouldn't be surprising but it was. The worst was when I had lost almost all of the weight and when I was visiting my grandma and she made a comment about how I was still working on losing the weight. I told her that I actually was almost the same weight as my husband (who is not big) and my Grandma immediately said "oh, that's because he has heavy bones" -what??!! I was totally insulted. I'm sorry you are feeling badly but don't wish away this time. Take pictures even if you don't feel like it because this time is so short. Take Care, friend.
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