My parents were told that if they were to leave it, I would probably eventually loose the sight in my eye. Surgery was an option, and when I was 'old' enough, my parents went for it. So at a ripe age of 8 months, my parents handed me over to the pediatric surgeon and he tightened it up in an elective day surgery. Everything went well. I see out of both eyes, although about 80% of my vision comes from my right. I asked about this one time, but I was told that everyone has a dominant eye, so I continued on with my life, not thinking too much of it. I wore glasses, but both eyes had the same prescription.
Lately, Lefty has been having a few problems. She hasn't been keeping up as well with good strong Righty. When I'm tired, sometimes she can't line up right...Instead, she turns a little to the left (outwards). This causes huge self-conscious problems for me. I creep myself out when looking at it in the mirror. I can hardly stand to see it. This of course translates into me not wanting anyone else to see it. Which translates into not wanting to look others in the eye anymore. Or, when I actually bring myself to look, I often find myself wondering more about eye alignments than actually listening. This is too bad really, considering 95% of the time she's in line. This is also too bad because I've always considered my eyes to be my best facial feature. Or, well, my only facial feature.
Two months ago I had the amazing opportunity to see the pediatric ophthalmologist here in Montreal. It took about 9 months to get in to see her. During some tests, we came to learn that my brain has disassociated my eyes, meaning it pretty much uses one at a time even though both have good vision. This isn't a new thing, I kind of knew this but was told that everyone has a dominant eye so I didn't think anything of it. This also goes to explain why I have poor depth perception, wonky eye-hand coordination, and a complete lack of ability to play sports.
So that's why I can't catch a ball!
The good Doc told me she can tinker with it, but considering it only occurs 5% of the time I have to practice 'letting it go' to see if we can actually get a quantitative measurement so she knows how much to shorten it by. Additionally, I have to grab the camera every time it naturally goes astray. The Doc gave me 8 weeks to get this and my childhood file together and bring it to her for an assessment.
Overall, this is good news, right? Sadly, this has caused me a lot of pain. I've had to stare at my strange self in the mirror, trying to make my face look the way I hate it looking. I actually run away when I get it right. I've also been reaching for a camera every time I feel it off, or Tom will say "Oh look, your eye!" and run to grab the camera. These times especially hurt, because at these times I didn't even know it was off, and this makes me think it is off more often than I thought. All of this to say...well...I have had to dwell on the fact my eyes don't line up. Dwell. Record. Practice. Take pictures. Make an entire album of wonky eyeballs. A whole album of close-ups of wonky eyeballs. Constant reminders of the imperfection of my one appreciated facial feature.
I have my follow-up appointment this coming Monday. I haven't practiced over the last few weeks because I was driving myself nuts when I did. Tom hasn't reached for the camera in weeks because, through the lens zoomed up close, he sees his wife's eyes welling up with tears...His heart breaks. "No, no! Take a picture." I say. "We need to add it to the album."
This issue of vain...Do I just leave it? Will it be more beneficial to accept than tinker? What if the Doc miscalculates? What if the Doc takes this 'choice' away come Monday and tells me she can't do it because she can't get a measurement because I couldn't stand to stare myself in the face. Should I just cancel Monday morning and reroute this time I spend preoccupied with my loathed characteristic to do something more valuable, something that actually matters instead of a silly misaligned eye?
You can tell me, but I may not be looking at you.
7 comments:
is it simply a question of "vanity"? or is there a possibility that your eye condition could worsen in the next number of years (since it seems to have become more frequent in the last few)?
i have a good friend who is a doctor. she has had numerous eye surgeries as a kid for a 'lazy eye'. and once it was over corrected, then undercorrected, and so still, it is noticiable. she hates it, hates it, HATES it....but when given the opportunity to go for surgery again last year...she didnt. (she says it's mostly b/c it was too close to exam time, but i wonder if it wasnt b/c she would be walking aournd with a patch at work for ages or something similar)
you should go for the appt. if your doctor cant do the measurement, i'm sure that doesnt mean she would get rid of doing a surgery. she might just send you back to get more pictures. which is incredibly frusterating, painful and ?humiliating it sounds like, but if there was a possibility that things could improve...would you want to go ahead with it, for that reason alone?
I feel the EXACT SAME WAY and I'm emailing you.
I can't catch a ball either. And you should see me try to hit one with a baseball bat. It's a wreck. Maybe you should come out here and we'll go bowling...
:)
Cute baby by the way!
Thanks you two. This was kind of hard to share, but I feel really supported (and validated) by your comments and e-mail.
I rarely have good advise to give to people who are going through a tough time but I do know this.
You are God's beautiful creation and although we don't always feel beautiful, someday, as God's children, we will join his side in our new perfect bodies.
I pray God will grant you peace no matter what decision you make.
That's a very cute baby pic, the adult pic is equally cute :)
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